Thursday, December 17, 2009

He Gives Me More


Since i dropped out of my freshman year in college because he wanted his wife at home, i did everything for this man
I cooked, i cleaned, i took care of home
I was secure with us, with him, with me
I expressed my feelings to him and allowed him to express his to me
I didn't expect the moon from him, i kept in mind that neither one of us were perfect
And all i ever wanted was to be loved by him

I picked my battles wisely,

I fucked him

i sexed him

I made love to him

I accepted him flaws and all because God put him in my life

offered him his space when he needed it

I allowed him to grow, within his self and with in us





And what the fuck did he do?
He left me
And at first i was upset with God
But i couldn't be
I prayed for him
Apparently not correctly
Because i got what i asked for

"A man"

Child please if i could take it back i wouldn't have prayed for a damn thing

Especially if i would have known i would be hurt behind him.

They say you're suppose to be supportive, encouraging, and compliment him as much as you can.

I complimented him so much i turned into his fucking trophy..
His fucking baby doll
what Chrisette say... "porcelain doll"

Yeah i was all that.

Because i refuse to be miserable like my mother was.
Poor woman died of a broken heart.
And trying to avoid it, i fell right into

He didn't even give me a reason, just said "i can't do this anymore" and walked the fuck out

Eight years of my life and you walk away without a reason?
Right out of highschool is when we married,
he busted my cherry, hell, he was my FIRST

He didn't start changing until his business got big. He started making a little change, hanging with the "boys" later, staying after work.

I was so distraught by this

I mean

I was tore up
I just wanted to die
end it all i mean what else did i have? But pain. I had nothing.

It was raining
I lit candles
I went to my closet
I reached for my black box
I pulled out my gun
and i put it in my mouth

I wanted this to be over. Immediately.

But right before i decided to pull the trigger i saw my best friends face

Her smile

She was always my hero, anytime i needed anything she came running

Poor child would stop the world from moving if i told her i was getting dizzy
We were just that close

I couldn't figure out what was taking her so damn long to answer
I can hear her breathing
And before she even said hello, i said
"He left me" i became hysterical.
"Told me he never knew what he saw in me and he left me" i could feel the pain rush over me all over again. I felt like i had just been hit with a baseball bat in the chest

And all she had to say was

"I'm on my way."

I put the gun back in the box and
the box back in the closet and
I sat
In the corner
waiting for her to come to me
I never needed her so bad

"Honey? Honey where are you?"
I was too weak to even answer
I could hear her running up the steps tho

She set behind me
and literally
immersed me in her love
i cried even harder but the steady beat of her heart calmed me eventually,

She began to talk about God knows what, i saw her lips moving and i heard her but i wasn't listening, i was so gone i can not even remember what i said.

I do however remember one part of the convo

"If we would have just started dating like everyone said we were in high school you would not have this problem."

People thought we were together for years, even after i was married

And i loved her, and she me, i just didn't grow up to love a woman in that manner.

My christian household judged everything so damn harshly

When she said it, i giggled
I found it cute and in the back of my head i was like
is this muthafucka hittin on me

If she was or if she wasn't

I liked it

And at this point i was willing to do anything to feel better, even if it was just for a minute

I kissed her
i kissed her and every feeling i had before she showed up dis-ap-fucking-peared
i kissed a girl
and i liked it
i kissed her
and i loved it

Nothing could stop this

I wanted her so bad, she held me closer and kissed me with the same love i had for her, i felt like, we finally became one or some shit

She suddenly stopped
Asking me if this is what i really wanted
I didn't answer
I grabbed her hand
led her to the bed
sat on top of her and got naked

That should be an answer

I kissed her

the mood was already set
i mean
the rain
the candle
its like
this was the perfect timing

I could tell she was nervous
it was in the way she moved

I just wanted her to make me smile again
make me happy
please me
take care of me
and let me know everything is
and will be

I was willing to do all the work but she began to take over

like she read my mind

She kissed my neck and i became wetter

I could feel her tongue licking the salt off of my skin and it drove me



She continued to tease my body as she turned me over on my back asking me can she make me smile

I inhaled

I nodded

I exhaled

I fought

I lost

I submitted

She opened me

She kissed me

She licked me


i had never felt this
he never even made me feel this way

i felt like a piece of fruit

She carved me, in a very tame way

sending her tongue on a trip where no one has ever been

indulging in my juices and swallowing me to quench her thirst

i moaned

her name

gods name

i yelled out for the father
the spirit
and the holy ghost cause lords knows thats what i felt
all three of them at once taking over me

i started yelling her named in the tones of old one hundreds

and the more i moaned and screamed the more she sucked

i rolled
i gyrated
i twirled

i reached
i grabbed


i came

i trembled
my legs wouldn't stop shaking
and i think i caught a cramp in my damn toes
it was just that good

We laid there until she dozed off but at this point my mind was still racing


why did he have to leave

i slipped out of bed

i went down stairs

i called him
begged him not to hang up

i just had one question

i asked him

he said

"He gives me more"and hung up

©Iba Oshun